Petrichor

Petrichor

I never saw the rain,

But I felt it.

I never heard the rain,

But I smelled it.

 

For weeks and week

The empty creeks

Were as dry as a mouth

Full of old cake.

The emerald grass

No longer shined

The trees

Their leaves

Turned their back

Upon the breeze.

Until the day

A dark cloud loomed

Over a Mountain

In the mood

“For a drink,

A kitchen sink

Would be just fine!”

She cooed.

 

The temperature plummeted.

The fierce cloud summited.

The daises stood up tall.

The leaves, they turned inverted.

The thirsty ground applauded

As the rain began to fall.

The crushed and broken

Sighed with sweet relief.

The dust began to soar.

The brown and blackened

Turned yellow and green,

And I could smell the Petrichor.

 

“Petrichor!”

I come awake.

The smell of earth;

The smell of rain;

Of spring and summers past;

Of Red River holidays

and of rain that never lasts.

Posted by Mark Walz, Jr. in Poem, 0 comments
1sts

1sts

On August 1, 2009, at 20 years old, I was married in a wedding at Aldersgate Camp to one whom I thought was my “soul mate” and that I would be married to forever.

Things were tough sometimes after the “honeymoon” wore off. We yelled at each other sometimes. I called her crazy and threatened to put her in a mental institution. I also thought she was mean to me and degrading. She hated that I dressed preppy and she hated that I didn’t like cars or sports and was a lover of arts, books, and hated working out. Sometimes I would complain about visiting her family so much, she spent a lot of time with them and it was more difficult to visit my family in Pikeville or Winchester. She was sometimes under the impression that I didn’t like her family. I know that she had the opinion of me as a very angry person. I had no patience for her. I belittled her. She told me I made her feel stupid just being herself. But I’ve never thought that would be the reason for the day that happened on June 1, 2012.

 

June 1, 2012 til this day ranks as one of the worst days of my life. It ranks up there with March 25, 2005, when my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer, or August 27, 2009 when he died of that cancer. It ranks up there with November 15, 2012 when we were officially divorced and April 17, 2012 when I found out my mom had colon cancer as well. June 1, 2012 scarred me. Still to this day, there is a scar. That date is seared into my whole being as a date that all I believed, knew, loved, thought about God, myself, and others was shattered.

 

I thought I was a great husband. I thought I had a perfect life. I used to believe in soul mates, I never said the curse word “divorce” and I never thought it was an option. I thought I could do whatever I want and act however I wanted and say whatever came to my mind and that would be ok because we would work on it, as “soul mates” because we were married. Turns out the concept of “soul mates” is a fairy tale pipe dream. Turns out God was bigger than I thought he was. Turns out that divorce is easy and marriage is hard.

 

On June 1, 2012 my wife came home after a walk in the park with her mom and there was something wrong with her. She was extremely upset. I tried to pry it out of her and eventually she screamed at me “I don’t love you!” I thought she was just in a sour mood, I didn’t think this was serious. I decided to be silly and said “you don’t love this?” And gestured to my fat body. She screamed “no! And I’m serious. I’m leaving you. I’m divorcing you for another man.” I was shocked! Literally in shock. I couldn’t breathe. She failed to give me any reasons that day. She did tell me “if I was pregnant you would hate me and get angry.” And “you hate my family” and “you hate dogs” and “we aren’t soul mates” and “I just don’t love you anymore” and “I just want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to be able to do whatever I want!” It was then that she ran downstairs and walked out the door. I screamed “I love you!” And she ignored me. I said “how could you do this to me?!” She said “I have to. It is what makes me happy. I feel bad that I am doing this to you after your dad died but it’s for the best. Bye” and she walked out the door, leaving me alone.

 

My brain could not comprehend the situation. I didn’t eat the rest of the day. I couldn’t function. I ran to my bible and tried to find answers but they weren’t there. I prayed but I didn’t hear anything. I couldn’t sleep. I put on the movie The Love Dare. I looked through my books trying to find answers. I couldn’t sleep. I finally found an answer in the Bible: wait. I would wait. I would be still and listen, persevere, love, be patient, kind, generous, I would have self-control. God told me he would use this time to grow me and strengthen me for the future. I was audibly through a voice, told by God to wait, that this would be hard, but that he would make me into a better husband (he didn’t say who for), a better man of God, and that he would use my story for His glory and for my good and the good of and for the healing of others. He called me to be a minister of healing and reconciliation to the broken and hurting hearts. I just have to be still, wait, and listen. And I did. God was bigger than the box I put him in. He jumped out of that box and showed me that there was much more to His kingdom then just “my marriage” and living in Ashland, KY. So I decided to just say “yes” without abandon to whatever he called me to. He called me to leave youth ministry. Called me to Uganda and Ghana, where he spoke to me “nothing is wasted”. He called me to Lexington, where my concept of God would triple even more than it already had.

 

I met someone I thought was incredibly cool on April 1, 2015. It was definitely no April Fools. I thought she was stunningly gorgeous, had the coolest hair, and was maybe a model or something. Our first date was on May 11, 2015, our next date was the gallery hop and was May 15, 2015 and we started officially dating exactly a month later on June 15, 2015. I was incredibly scared, to be honest. I was scared to commit to or date anyone because I was afraid of disappointment, I was afraid to date anyone because I was afraid of loss, heartbreak, breaking, up, afraid of divorce. Divorce taught me that nothing lasts for ever. NOTHING. But it also taught me that nothing is wasted. I thought Ciara was worth it, but I had to learn a lot of things again just to be able to commit to her without fear of losing her.

 

We got engaged on January 1, 2018. Over those last two and a half years I have come to love her. And this love is different than I have ever known, it’s bigger. It’s bigger because my concept of God is bigger, it’s bigger because my concept of love is bigger, who I am is entirely different, and because I no longer believe in “soul mates”, I now longer see divorce as “not ever possible” (although I still believe it should not be an option), and I realize that a relationship is not based on emotions but on work, compromise, changing yourself, working together, forgiving the hurts, learning from mistakes, pushing past disappointments, frustrations, and anger to realize that love is bigger than anything I’ve ever realized.

 

Today is June 1, 2018. And tomorrow is June 2, 2018. Today and tomorrow I remember that scar from June 1, 2012 and I push past it to create something new. June 1 will no longer be remembered as that horrible day, the worst day ever, June 1 will take on new meaning when it dies and when the sun sets and it rises again as June 2. June 2 is the day the sun rose and the world kept turning, it is the day that the vision came to fruition, it is the day that God says to me “I told you so.” and it will be remembered as the day that new life sprang forth from the decay and burnt forrest, the day a little flower sprang forth from the crack in the pavement, the day that “nothing is wasted” is realized, that joy has replaced it. On June 2, I will marry the love of my life, as a different man. June 2 will be a day of celebration and of remembering and looking forward. Of knowing that God is bigger, love is work, and that I am not perfect and that I have problems to work on. June 2 is the day spring came after winter, the resurrection of a heart, of second-chances. It’s humbling to have the love of Ciara. She humbles me, forgives me, works with me, sharpens me, pushes me to grow and to become a better husband. God told me he would do though, He told me he would make me a better husband. I just didn’t realize it would be this way. God is bigger. Nothing is wasted. Love is work. June 1st’s death is forgotten in the resurrection of June 2. June 2, I will never forget. Thank you, God. Thank you, Ciara.

Posted by Mark Walz, Jr. in General, 1 comment
This I Believe

This I Believe

This I Believe,
In beginnings and ends
And of living between
Of adventure
Wakened
I believe in a stillness
Of listening in.
Finding peace in the screaming,
In crying,
In pain.

I believe in the love
That comes from within
Patient and kind
Not angry, no end
I believe in a resurrection
In life from the dead
In words that speak life,
The second-chances they give.

I believe this:
That nothing is wasted
That forests will burn,
Charcoal and gray.
But that saplings will rise
In the new light of day
To carpet the floor
In green
The new black
No more branches to curtain
The sun on the way

This I believe
That nothing is wasted
When a father comes home
Says “Son, I have cancer”
This I believe,
In praying for health
Not knowing, never knowing
Never seeing
Not felt
This i believe
In healing in death
A son says to father,
“Now go to your rest”

This I believe:
Uncertain certainty
Not knowing what for
Or why or how come
Why in one August month
It came to an end
While another beginning
Would lead to an end
How “I do” and “R . I. P.”
Would then define me
This is how I believe
That nothing is wasted
When a wife coming home
Says “I love you no more”
Quits her job, quits her life
Then walks out the door
This, I believed
In waiting around
To restore
Forgive for
In laying things down
This, I believed
In letting things go
Of letting love find
Me there on the floor
This I believed
In not knowing why
Or who or how come
“Just please tell me why!”
Why in one summer month
It came to an end
Why later, next year,
No longer my friends.
I believe this:
In new love, second chances
How in one summer month
A beginning began
When a woman to a man
says “Together, we can”
“I was waiting for you”
She says, he believes
“The future is ours”
As they look at the stars.

This I believe
In all things
that work
together for good
In things just that happen
for good
or for worse
In this, i believe
That nothing is wasted
in tears that sow sorrow
That joy will replace it

This i believe
I believe this
C’est la vie
I this, believe

Posted by Mark Walz, Jr. in Poem, 6 comments
The Man in the Hole

The Man in the Hole

There’s this story I heard once of a man in a hole.

As he walked down the path, he suddenly fell.

He fell into a hole.

It was a very large hole, a very dark pit.

The walls were steep, the bottom was rocky.

There was no way out and no one to help.

A doctor came by, but didn’t know what to do.

So, he wrote a prescription and threw it right in.

A preacher walked by, and thought he knew best.

So, he prayed him a prayer, God would do the rest.

A friend came by and he knew what to do.

He jumped in the hole, now he was stuck too.

“What are you doing? Now we’re both stuck,”

Said the man in the hole.

Said the friend to his friend,

“I’ve been here before, this isn’t the end,

I know the way out.

Here, take my hand.”

Posted by Mark Walz, Jr. in Poem, 0 comments
Resolved.

Resolved.

Every year when New Year’s Eve comes around, I realize that I haven’t thought of any resolutions to make for the upcoming year. At that point I generally say to myself, “Ah, forget it, resolutions are stupid and impossible to keep anyway.”

Posted by Mark Walz, Jr. in General, 1 comment